"Exploring the Depths: The Intersection of Art and Self-Discovery"

In 2015 I got the courage and funds together to travel through Europe for 6 months with my partner at the time, with the intention to have a look around twelve different countries and participate in work exchanges with locals on the way. To really immerse myself in a different part of the world and experience the history, food, and culture. 

While there I attended Amanda Sages five day painting intensive, at the Otto Wagner Villa in Austria. This was the home of Ernst Fuchs the founder of the Vienna school of fantastic realism. Ernst was Amanda's mentor and teacher, along with many of the artists in the lineage of visionary art. I had come across Amandas art online, it spoke to me and I had written her name on a piece of paper with the words 'the help' next to it. My partner at the time gifted me the workshop in Vienna for my 28th birthday.

Ernst Fuchs was friends with the surrealist artist Salvador Dali and spoke about this, as we as a class got to meet Ernst and have a tour around his home. Full of his art work, it is really mind blowing and the garden with its magnificent sculptures and mosaics.

It was the beginning of learning how to paint with technique. Prior to this I had been doing paintings for friends and family in acrylics. Amanda shared her knowledge and took us through the stages of the mischtechnik. I felt so inspired by the other artists and connecting with like minds and souls was a beautiful experience.

Previously I had been working as a full time hairdresser in my home town Nelson, New Zealand. I had gone into this work with a I need a 'proper' job mentality. Not knowing how artists pursued their passion as their profession. I felt a change inside of me at this workshop. A glimpse into what was possible, walking back to the accomodation in the evenings I was seeing light in a whole new way, as it came through the leaves on the trees. Getting to meet people who were expressing their authentic knowings through their work was amazing. Here I began to learn the beautiful rich way of layering paint to create depth and dimension. This is a technique that was revived by Ernst Fuchs and comes from his insights into the methods of Van Eyck a flemish painter in the early Renaissance period.

On this trip in Europe I also went to visit the Dali museum in Figures Spain. I remember my high school teacher saying her past student had been able to see a painting, in person by an artist they admired. This was something my 16 year old self would never have believed possible for me. The museum is full of paintings and work by the artist and it blows me away how someone can produce so much art in their lifetime.

To keep refining my skills and gain more experience, not long after returning from Europe, I then traveled to Byron Bay in Australia. Where I attended a ten day painting and meditation retreat with Kuba Ambrose and Vera Atlantia. Tucked away in the forest at a centre called Paradise one, on a permaculture farm. A real sanctuary, we received beautiful meals from the organic gardens and plenty of time in nature.

It was my first time experiencing meditation and self connection. A part of me opened up I had not been aware of before. The beginning practice was a guided journey to find the image we were to paint. In this journey I connected to an older wiser version of myself and she had a gift. The message was I needed to begin to start learning how to listen to my true self and begin to build trust with this wise part. I knew this was profound and at the time had no idea just how deep this message would end up taking me.

It was a glimpse into a spirit realm and I now know why a big part of me was drawn to learning the mischtechnik. It serves as a medium between inner vision and expression. I was so focused on the painting the others on retreat joked I would still be painting in the departures lounge at the airport as I was leaving. Here I did a self portrait which reflects this older version of myself. On returning from this time I found it difficult to go back to my life in Nelson. With the job at the salon and the familiar people and situations. Something inside of me had changed, but I didn't know how to integrate and make sense of why I was not relating to my old life.

I came down with severe fatigue, which soon got diagnosed as the condition chronic fatigue syndrome or ME. A neurological illness, when the nervous system becomes dysregulated it gets stuck in a state of shutdown or freeze and the cells stop producing energy. It was a struggle just to walk from the bedroom to the kitchen in the morning. Days were spent on the couch in a fog. Not knowing what was happening was very fear inducing, as the doctors had no answers for me and the people around me were struggling to support me, as they could not understand. I went into my painting practice more and more as and when I was able to focus. I was beginning to make art as a way to connect with a purpose and process some of my experiences. I began mediating and inquiring into different spiritual traditions looking for a deeper meaning as to why I felt in resistance.

“The artist's life cannot be otherwise than full of conflicts, for two forces are at war within him; on the one hand, the common human longing for happiness, satisfaction and security in life and on the other, a ruthless passion for creation which may go so far as to override every personal desire... there are hardly any exceptions to the rule that a person must pay dearly for the divine gift of creative fire.― Carl Jung

In 2017 I went back to paradise one in Byron Bay and joined a ten day retreat with Amanda Sage, Joe Bob and Christopher Ulrich. Here we were learning self portraits looking at ourselves in the mirror and painting what we saw. At this time I was struggling with insomnia and chronic fight or flight responses, days were blending together. As I was painting I was starting to get messages from another source. It felt as though the painting was flowing through me instead of from me and I was the witness. I was having surges of grief, fear, love and immense joy as I got to see myself in a new way through the mirror. I think of this as a time of spiritual awakening and relating it to other stories I have heard and read about, it reflects a type of kundalini awakening, that could also be seen by some as psychosis. I connected with a profound peace I had not experienced before and I could clearly see how my emotions and patterns were the the chronic illness and inside of me was unprocessed history. These aspects of me were coming up to be felt, everything I locked away inside and disconnected from. On leaving my time there I had accepted the hidden aspects of myself and seen a reality that was timeless and I was just a facet of the whole of divine consciousness. It was synchronistic and profound and something I might elaborate on in another post.

“The psychotic drowns in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight.”―Joseph Campbell

Again back to 'life' the symptoms of chronic fatigue with its brain fog, muscle aches, anxiety, depletion and insomnia. I began to wonder if I would ever be able to heal and my life was getting smaller and smaller and more lonely. My partner and I at the time moved to Golden Bay and I committed to changing my lifestyle, daily meditation and brain rewiring practices and spending time at the local beach. This all helped to an extent but on increasing my activity the symptoms would come back as a 'crash' and the cycle continued.

In 2018 I went to Bali for two months by myself for some introspection and to focus on healing. Drawn to the art and spiritual expression of the place it has a beautiful energy. During this time I was spending my days walking the streets of Ubud and surrounding areas, going to yoga classes, resting in the airbnb with my art supplies and journal. Trying to make sense of why I was feeling so stuck and what this altered state was that I had connected to. I started to unravel my life history on the pages of my journal and make a map of where any traumas and disconnection had began. Seeing what in my life was repeating cycles and patterns from my beliefs and conditioning. I am still in this process of this unraveling and have found support from guides and mentors, which has been incredibly helpful.

Whilst I was in Bali I went and joined eight days of painting in the rice fields with other artists. Daniel Mirante and Ainoha Neith deepened my understanding of painting technique during this time. I could consolidate my understanding of mischtechnik and take it to another level. Here I painted a woman in meditation with the intention to reflect healing and wisdom it is an alter piece.

Now six years later I can understand that the symptoms I have experienced are the catalyst for this new way of being and reminds me of that saying 'your pain is your purpose'. Having an art practice has helped me grow my awareness of my true self and each piece becomes like a time capsule, they hold the memory of what I was experiencing at the time. I incorporate symbols and metaphor in the pieces as a kind of visual language to share what I cannot share in words.

So much gratitude for the amazing teachers and guides who have transmitted their wisdom, knowledge and skills to so many artists.

We are the ones able to bridge the seen and unseen, to be the medium for affecting the collective psyche through an image from the imagination.

“Art is a kind of innate drive that seizes a human being and makes him its instrument. The artist is not a person endowed with free will who seeks his own ends, but one who allows art to realize its purpose through him. As a human being he may have moods and a will and personal aims, but as an artist he is "man" in a higher sense he is "collective man"— one who carries and shapes the unconscious, psychic forms of mankind.”― C.G. Jung